Dear Mama

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There are so many things I’d like to tell you. I mean the biggest accomplishments you seen me make were graduating kindergarten and riding my bike with no training wheels, oh wait you taught me how to tie my shoe and I still remember you teaching me to spell my name. Every BIG moment in my life I wish you could have shared it with me, when I start to have those thoughts I almost feel selfish. I feel selfish because as long as I can remember your life was “unpretty” less than perfect. Seems like every other day you were barely holding on although you kept a smile and reassured us everything was ok. We believed you despite the black eyes or hospital visits.  I hate all you endured. I try to believe that your death was freedom but becoming closer to God I’m scared to say I don’t know if you went to heaven. God is about relationship not religion right? I have no memories of us ever going to church together, did you pray secretly? Are you my guardian angel, where is your soul? I’m afraid mommy that you had to endure hell twice.  This breaks my heart… I’ve learned to cry now mama but I don’t want to shed a tear over this. I want to believe you are safe and God knew enough was enough. Mama I love you, I wish you could meet Skylar she is amazing, she’s going to be so much greater than both of us. Rest easy Sandy aka my mommy

Love your,
Baby girl

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